We’re not really afraid of failing. When you think about it, we’re actually more afraid of the consequences that we will have to face as a result of it.
So what do I mean by this? Let me explain.
Exam time for me had approached this week, and usually it is the time when my level of stress hits high heights, and there is some anxiety here and there.
Only this time around, I finally understood why I would always experience that level of stress during exams.
You see, most of my exams were going to be worth 50-60% of my overall grade, so what that meant is that depending on what my marks were, they were going to have a significant impact on whether I pass the subject.
And to be transparent, there was one subject where my exam marks were the life and death of passing it. If I didn’t pass that subject, it meant that I’m going to have to retake that subject again, potentially delay when I get my degree, and if it wasn’t for COVID-19, I could’ve been at risk of being on academic probation.
Then it hit me – it was not “failing” the exams itself that I was so stressed and overwhelmed about, it was the consequences that I would have to deal with and face as a result of failing that made me anxious.
Looking back during Grade 12, it was the same circumstances. I was never afraid of failing the exams itself, I had more fear for the potential consequences of not getting the high marks to get into the degree that I wanted.
And when there was something that I did fail at (and trust me, there were many of them and not just limited to school), there’s no doubt that I would get upset and blame myself. However, when I look back, I was actually more upset about the consequences of those failures and having to accept them.
There were some failures where I had to learn the lesson from it the hard way, and the only thing I could do about it is to simply let go and move on – that wasn’t always easy.
8 Lessons on Failure to See The Bigger Picture
The main book of content and inspiration for this post is Failing Forward by John Maxwell, and it was this book that had significantly influenced my perspective on how I saw failure. What I had listed below all came from my favourite chapters of the book. 🙂
1. We Should Be Training for Failure More Than Success
I don’t know about anybody else, but in all the nine schools that I had been to, failure was always determined by marks, percentages, and grades – (lucky you if this was not your school system).
That’s why it was so easy to fear failure because any grade or mark I got was going to possibly determine “everything” in my school life.
That is actually true in a way – failure can possibly determine everything in our lives BUT it all depends on how we perceive and deal with it.
We can’t control the problems and obstacles that we face, but we can train ourselves to prepare to take responsibility, learn from each mistake, maintain a positive attitude, and of course, learn what did not work.
Like how John Maxwell had put it, people who fail forward acknowledge that failures are a part of life, and simply learn from them and move on – that’s how we can train ourselves for failure.
2. Remember What Failure is Not
When I got a “bad” mark in an exam (quotations are on “bad” because looking back I was exaggerating), I immediately acted like it was the end of the world and went into a valley of self-pity.
It took me so long to learn that in life, any failure is not going to be final, irreversible and most importantly, not avoidable. Like mentioned above, the best we can do is train ourselves for it.
3. How to Fail Forward
Failing forward means seeing failures as temporary and isolated incidents, not a life sentence.
Failure is not something we take personally. We should allow that our failures give us the opportunity to focus on our strengths, come up with approaches to success, and eventually bounce back from our failure.
4. If You Do What You’ve Always Done, You’ll Get What You’ve Always Gotten
I know that I am guilty of being in denial of my failures and becoming more upset about it rather than doing something about it.
Taking study for example, whenever I got a mark on an exam that I was unhappy with, it was an easy route to blame the ones who marked and wrote the paper. However, was doing this over and over again going to make my grade better? Yeah, no.
It was a brutal truth, but no one else could do something about it but me.
It took a while, but I had to learn how to become more proactive rather than reactive to anything that had took place in my life. Instead of wasting my energy trying to be in denial of my failures, I had to push myself to take full responsibility for my mistakes (without beating myself up at the same time), and just simply learn from them.
5. Failure is an Inside Job
Whether the problem or the failure is big or small, that doesn’t matter – what matters is how we deal with it.
What matters is not the failure that had happened to us – what matters is what happens IN us as a result of that failure.
I can look back at some of the mistakes that I have made and realised that I am glad that I made those mistakes. Making those mistakes and learning from them had saved me so much time in the long run.
And at the end of the day, it was never going to be my failures that would defeat me, it was always myself.
6. Failure is the Greatest Opportunity to Know Who We Are
Don’t think that so far I’m trying to say that there are no failures that are painful. There are some failures that are really painful to deal with and there is no sugarcoating that.
Being born and growing up in church, I’ve grown up already knowing that challenges are a part of life. It was always taught that no matter how hard they are, they give us an opportunity to show how genuine our faith is.
That’s the same with failures – they are a regular part of life, and how we respond to them gives us a good indication on who we are.
7. The Only Failure is When You Stop Trying
Have you heard of Starbucks? – You wouldn’t have heard of Starbucks if Howard Schultz stopped trying after being turned down (way more than once!).
Have you ever heard of Harry Potter? – You wouldn’t have if J.K Rowling stopped trying after being turned down by so many publishers.
The point is, that if we let one failure or many failures stop us, that is the ultimate failure.
8. It’s What We Do After We Get Back Up That Counts
If you look at any successful person, no one had it easy. Failures are lessons that would make us stronger when we learn from them the right way.
And when we learn from them the right way, they end up becoming milestones to our success.
We’re either going to fail forward or fail backward.
Fail backward as in being in denial, repeat the same mistakes, and quit.
OR
Fail forward as in taking responsibility, learn from the mistakes, and perservere.
It is our choice at the end of the day.
Book Recommendation and Content of This Post: Failing Forward by John Maxwell.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi, this is Lauren! I’m a law grad from Melbourne, Australia. On laurenbarri.com, I create content on all things personal development, productivity, self-care, and habits! I am super passionate about these topics because of how they helped me in all areas of my life, and I want to share it with others!
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